I am feeling discouraged today.
It is easy for me to heap guilt and shame onto my own head.
I have tried and tried and tried yet again to keep my temper. Sometimes I succeed for the first ten transgressions, at other times it only takes one, yet at some point I always fail.
I yell, I spit ugly words through clenched teeth, I point an unyielding finger as I hiss.
Why is this so difficult? I would gladly lay down my life for these babes of mine, yet I seem unable to lay down my pride and my temper for even one day.
I wish so much that I could say this ugliness is not really me, that I didn’t mean any of it.
…for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks. ~ Luke 6.45
Yet that is what I chose in that moment. I chose anger.
No matter the jarring, a jar of fresh water can’t spill filthy water. When you’re upset, you upset what’s really in you.
I feel fairly certain that I will never win “this full out war against my own angry, shouty spirit”.
And I am learning that this is okay. That God will make it okay.
I am learning that the things I struggle with the most in my daily life are the very things that God wants me to hand over to Him.
The issues over which I fight and despair are what I CANNOT handle on my own. These sins are the ones that drive me into the arms of God, that make me fall to my knees begging Him to heal my heart.
And this is good.
It is good for me to understand that I am weak and He is strong. It is good for me to truly comprehend my heart that cannot heal itself. It is good for me to realize my complete and total dependence on Him. If I could heal my own heart, my pride would know no end. I would push God to the side and declare Him unneeded.
It is also good for my not-perfect children to see their not-perfect mommy fall on her knees in repentance, asking God to help her love better. It is good for my sinful children to see their sinful mommy admit her pride and anger and ask for their forgiveness.
How else will they learn what to do when their own hearts erupt with sin disease of their own?
I am grateful, so very grateful, for the grace that turns my ugliness into beauty, the grace that helps both me and my children to love God and each other in a more perfect way.