My middle child has been ridiculously punky lately.

By “ridiculous” I mean “lying next to her older sister in bed and continuously punching her in the arm” and “kicking the chair mommy is sitting in and moving her feet closer and closer to mommy’s legs while looking straight at mommy with a scowl until she finally kicks mommy. Hard.” and “full-body tackling her eight-month-old baby sister”.  That kind of ridiculousness.

Part of the trouble is that she’s been having a lot of trouble sleeping lately.  Part of the trouble is that she is three.  Part of the trouble is that she is human and doesn’t want to obey or be loving much of the time.

This is me.  It is most of us when we are honest with ourselves.

“Be holy” says God.  But we don’t want to be holy.  We want to cling to our busyness and our pride and our little insignificant sins that really are more foundational than we would like for them to be.

There is a piece of all of us that doesn’t want to be healed, a piece that is a bit afraid of what we might grow up to become.  We want, instead, our own way.  We desire to gain the things that we want rather than the thing that we most need.

So put away all malice and all deceit and hypocrisy and envy and all slander.  Like newborn infants, long for the pure spiritual milk, that by it you may grow up into salvation – if indeed you have tasted that the Lord is good.

We all have some malice deep inside of us, that part of our heart that does not want what is best for everyone else around us.  We all put on our masks of deceit and hypocrisy to hide the complex struggles that wage war within our hearts.  We all feel the sharp stings of envy and overlay a caricature on those around us, one that often keeps us from loving them.

Yet every now and then, even in the midst of this world and even in the middle of our own lives that try to hide from holiness, we feel a pang of longing, we catch a glimpse of overwhelming light, and it stuns us into silence.

Perhaps it happens while standing in front of a painting by a master.  Perhaps it happens in the middle of a piece of music or at the end of a book.  Perhaps it happens when you see one child helping another.

Every once in awhile we surprise ourselves with a longing to be holy, a yearning to have what Jesus had.

And yet we have our moments.  Every once in a while, I think, we actually long to be what out of darkness and mystery we are called to be; when we hunger for holiness even so, even if we would never dream of using the word. ~ Frederick Buechner

It is just because of these moments that I believe that we truly belong to holiness.  It is because we belong, in the end, to God that we are so deeply moved by these moments.

So be kind.  Speak honestly about the ways in which you doubt and fear.  Give away when you can manage to overcome your desire to clutch tightly.

(These are some) of the doors that holiness enters the world through, enters us through. ~ Buechner

Art credit: Light photo by Kirk Sewell; Coin du bassin aux nympheás by Monet

Do you ever battle with comparison or giving in to illusions that are not truth?

When you think everyone else has it all – or at least has it all together – you can trick yourself into comparing and thinking you are ‘less than’, in two seconds flat!  You may not even be aware of it.  We have all done it… we see someone whom we admire or want to be like, and we tend to see only what they project.  We don’t mean to be judging on outward appearance, or social status, or what they seem to have or not have, but it happens.  I think it would help us to remember that while they may appear confident and sure of themselves, chances are that may not be their reality.  

They may appear to have it all, but the secret is they are most likely just as nervous, scared, uncertain, or insecure as you are.  We seldom get a glimpse inside to know if the image they project is an act of courage on their part or something they have had to fight for and grow into.  Either way, we can learn so much if we are willing to be honest and share real life.

We all want to give off a great first impression, to put our best foot forward… Oh we want to be confident and secure, bold and loving life.  Some days, we are.  But if we’re honest, we all have those other days – and I think that if we would be more open to sharing our true lives, we’d find a deeper sense of connection to one another! Often  as we really get to know people, we are surprised to find out that they have struggles, too.

I remember hosting a gathering of amazing women in a living room last winter. We chatted over coffee and watched Ann Voskamp talk about finding joy, counting gifts, and being real. The video was over and we were daring each other to share truth… to share an insecurity, a prayer request, something that we could come around and pray in agreement for the power to overcome it – whatever ‘it’ was!

We went around the room, one by one, giving a glimpse into something that we struggle with… self-doubt, fear, lack of confidence, a poverty mindset. The list went on and on, but what I found the most intriguing was the look of utter shock on the faces of the women around the room.

This gathering was one filled with impressive talents and giftings… with powerful women, mothers, servants, leaders… and what we found the most surprising was not that they would admit these vulnerabilities, but that they had them at all in the first place!

We seemed at a loss for words when one of the gals who appears so put together and in control of things shared how she was afraid of rejection… at once, all of us thought, “Wait? You?” (or more accurately, “Wait? You too?”)   When we are honest and willing to share our real lives – even the lives that we live sometimes hidden behind masks – we find that we are not alone.  We find a surprising Community that invites us in, that knows what we feel like and what we overcome on any given day because they feel and overcome the same things. We find we are more alike than we once believed… and in finding that, we find the boldness to keep on being real; to keep on living out loud.

So I encourage you to take down the masks… stop bowing to the pressure to be anything or anyone more than who you are, right now, in this day!  We don’t need to be perfect…

Let’s give grace… to ourselves and to others around us. When we are scared, when we fail, or when we want to run and hide, let us find community both here online and there (wherever that may be for you) in real life.  May we take the risk to be real… to not hide or project an image that is not us.  May we be vulnerable enough to let others see the real us… and in doing so, may we see ourselves a bit more clearly, too.  

I am finding that as we do this, we will remember that no one really has it all together. We’re also more open to learning from others’ strengths and to reaching out and helping in their weaknesses.  When we know that we know that we know that we don’t have to have it all together, …there is such freedom in that!

How do you battle being Vulnerable? Have you found Community that is willing to risk being Vulnerable, and willing to live life out loud? I’d love to hear about it!

Speak Life. Be Love. Shine On.

~Karrilee~

Karrilee is a Wife, a Mother, Daughter, Sister, Friend…
She is a Writer, Reader, Pray-er, Photographer, Beach Lover, Laugh Seeker, Life living person, serving God to the best of her ability! She lives in the PNW with her husband and nearly grown girlie and is passionate about diving in deeper with the Lord and inviting others to discover how personal, intimate, abundant His Love is for them! Her life message? Speak Life. Be Love. Shine On.  She loves to share what is on her heart and what the Lord is speaking to her at: http://abidingloveaboundinggrace.blogspot.com

Someone very close to me recently went through a tough situation. They basically discovered something that made them feel totally unappreciated.

It caused them to feel pretty low about themselves.

I tried to encourage them and remind them that the world doesn’t say who we are – God does. But it was a tough struggle for them. Their self esteem took a big hit.

It caused me to think about all the similar times I’d been through where my own self worth was damaged because of someone else’s thoughts, actions (or inactions) towards me. How easily satan can use those times in our life to make us feel small and worthless.  He’s really good at doing that.

But, if we go around feeling worthless; aren’t we then agreeing with the perception of the other person? Aren’t we in fact, telling them that they were right about us in the first place?

Sure, sometimes someone else has a basis of truth in their assumptions or perceptions of us. Maybe we needed a little humbling. Maybe we needed to be reminded of some things or our character needed to be built up. But most of the time, we feel cruddy and worthless because we allow someone else to place a label on us. One that doesn’t really belong.

No one is worthless. Not you. Not me. No one likes to feel like the efforts they’ve made aren’t appreciated. It’s discouraging and frustrating. And it does make you take a second look at yourself and how you come across.  But other people don’t have the right to say who we are, either.

God says we are valuable. Priceless. Worth far more than rubies. He finds us beautiful, loveable, and He invests in us constantly. So it’s our choice to believe what “so and so” believes and says about us – or what God says about us.  For me? I choose to believe that God is right. That I AM worth something special. That I AM valuable. That I AM loveable.

Who do you choose to believe?